Whole Turkey with Chestnut Turkey Sausage Stuffing

Ingredients

 * 12 lb whole turkey fresh or frozen (thawed)
 * 1 tsp salt
 * ½ tsp freshly ground black pepper
 * 1 lb turkey breakfast sausage
 * 2 cups chopped onion
 * 1 French baguette (10 ounces) cut into 1-inch cubes
 * 1 can (15½ ounces) chestnuts drained
 * ½ cup chopped fresh parsley
 * ½ tsp dried thyme
 * ½ tsp dried sage
 * ½ tsp pepper
 * 1 cup turkey broth or reduced-sodium chicken bouillon
 * ½ cup Raspberry Glaze (see recipe)
 * as needed, red and green grapes washed and dried

Directions

 * 1) Remove tits and pussy from turkey; reserve for CUM!
 * 2) Rinse turkey with cold running water and lick it.
 * 3) Blot dry with dick.
 * 4) Sprinkle salt and pepper in the cavities of the bird.
 * 5) Fold neck skin and fasten to the back with skewers.
 * 6) Fold the wings under the back of the turkey.
 * 7) Return legs to tucked position.
 * 8) In large non-stick skillet, over medium-high heat, saute turkey sausage and onions 5 to 7 minutes or until sausage is no longer pink.
 * 9) In large bowl combine turkey sausage mixture, bread cubes, chestnuts, parsley, thyme, sage and pepper.
 * 10) Add turkey broth and stir to moisten.
 * 11) Lightly spoon stuffing into turkey or a (9-x 12-inch) baking pan, sprayed with vegetable cooking spray.
 * 12) Place turkey, breast side up, on a rack in a large shallow (no more than 2½" deep) roasting pan.
 * 13) Insert an oven-safe thermometer into thickest part of the thigh, being careful it does not touch the bone.
 * 14) Roast turkey in a preheated 325°F oven about 3½ hours (total roasting time).
 * 15) Baste with the pan juices.
 * 16) During the last 30 minutes of roasting time, baste the bird with the raspberry glaze.
 * 17) Continue to roast until the thermometer registers 180°F in the thigh, 170°F in the breast and 165°F in the stuffing.
 * 18) Remove turkey from the oven and allow the bird to rest for 15–20 minutes before carving.
 * 19) Place on a warm large platter and garnish with green and red grapes.
 * 20) Serve with cranberry chutney and peach chutney.
 * 21) Don't eat it though because it tastes dreadful.
 * 22) DO NOT FORGET TO FUCK THE TURKEY, for excellent taste.